Chokkklit Shop - September 07

Who's being asked the questions
DeWayne- Firefighter, 35, never been married

Will- Customer Service, 33, divorced

Jake- Real Estate, 32, married

Q: What do you think about women who sleep with you on the first or second date - does it impact whether you see her as a potential long-term girlfriend?

Will: I don't view the timing of the first occurrence of sex with a woman as an indicator of anything. Never.

DeWayne: If a girl slept with me that quickly, I would consider it a deal-breaker. Men are wired to want to sleep with others more quickly because of instant gratification. But if a woman had that little self-control, it would not bode well for the future.

Jake: In my mind, it doesn't make a difference - as long as the woman understands that just because she slept with me, it doesn't mean the rest of the relationship is also moving quickly. But I will say, it does sort of put pressure on the situation when you sleep together so quickly. It makes the getting-to-know-you part tougher. One or both of you may have expectations of what the next date will be like. For example, if you sleep over, what happens when one doesn't want to sleep over the next time? Does the other feel slighted? Does it mean every date is a sleepover, and if it's not that you're regressing? It makes things tougher.

Q: Are there cases where you do sleep with a woman early on, but are still open to a serious relationship with her?

Will: Sure. Great sex only makes us want to be with you more. And if we hit it off after sex over lunch the next day, we consider it a win.

DeWayne: I think no, I would not be open to it. Like I said previously, if you that easy you are only worth me hittin and quittin! There's no recovery from that. It would be deuces for that broad!

Jake: This question is based on the idea that if you sleep together early on, you're already thinking it will not be serious. So, in my mind, any man who rules out a woman who slept with him early on - well, he isn't being very serious about finding a long-term relationship in the first place.

Q: What, in your mind, is an appropriate amount of time for two people to be dating before sleeping together?

Jake: From the first date onward.

DeWayne: Probably three weeks to a few months. In this day and age, people are quick to make sex part of a relationship. It's unrealistic to think you can be dating someone four months without sex. So, a few weeks to a few months

Will: Maybe five, six dates. But it's very hard to make a rule for it. If there were rules about this stuff, it would be so much easier. I think it's best if men and women talk about sleeping together and have some ease of communication established before they do the deed. Let's face it, having sex changes the dynamics of a relationship.

Q: In your experience, do you think women who make you wait for sex end up being better long-term partners?

DeWayne: I think they do make better potential long-term partners. As I've gotten older, I have realized there should be something sacred, private, and intimate about sex between two people. It's a revelation and a sharing. I don't think I would want to be with someone who's so willing to share herself with others. I want someone who's going to honor that aspect of herself and only share herself when it's really appropriate.

Will: Probably, yes. But it doesn't work too well if she's totally withholding physically early on. She needs to let you know she is receptive to sex with you and is holding off not because of lack of desire, but because she wants to get to know you more.

Jake: I disagree - in my mind; a woman who "makes you wait" is treating sex as a commodity. She's trying to, "use sex as a weapon" and trying to manipulate the outcome of the new relationship. If she feels the strength of a long-term relationship is contingent on when she "gave it up," she needs to get in her time machine and leave the year 1952 - which she’s obviously stuck in—immediately. As soon as she places such a high value on sex, she devalues the other, more lasting components of a successful long-term relationship. As you can see there are many different perspectives on the subject. I truly believe if we let it go, Do what we feel is best for ourselves, but not judge others by standards and expectations we can't even meet ourselves, it will all work for the good!

• Read.. A Good Black Man