Written by Terrie Lynn

Chokkklit Shop

After years of talking/listening to women advise other women about their “dead end relationships” I was really becoming irked.

Either:

• She’ll create a scenario on a guy she doesn’t know.
• She’ll dig real deep for some positive feedback (so she doesn’t hurt her feelings)
• She’ll tell the honest truth and risk being accused of being a “hater” or being jealous.
• She’s in a jacked-up relationship herself, so she’ll fill her friend’s head with the same distorted explanations she’s convinced herself of.

This is what led me to write “SISTERS STOP ASKING SISTERS, I’M A BLACK MAN JUST ASK ME”.  I just had to probe black men for the inside scoop on what we women ponder over.  Women, don’t try this at home!  A man will hold back information when he’s out to gain or has something to lose.  Buy the book!

From the book:  Sisters Stop Asking Sisters, I’m A Black Man Just Me!

The majority of women’s relationship problems are self-inflicted. Either they let go too soon, or hang on too long. Sistahs don’t seem to understand the concept of dating. Dating is the trial an error period between two people. Think of it like starting a new job. You have a 90 day probationary period, so don’t get too comfortable.

“We’ve all read and heard enough about this 90 probationary period.  Are women scared of this rule?  Are women afraid that if she doesn’t have sex with the guy before 90 days, another girl will.”

A Trip…

Women need to realize that not all men are going to wait around, those who don’t were only there for the benefits package.  Those that do fall into two categories: the ones who were already getting it somewhere else; and the ones who want something more out of a relationship.  The question is, if you’re not getting busy what are you doing for 90 days?  I found a blog that gave some good insight on what can happen during those 90 days

1. Talking on the phone.  It always feels great to have those long conversations as you learn more about each other, but that may not work for everyone.
2. Discuss what you want to be when you grow up. We all have our hopes and dreams no matter what age we are. What you want to do for the rest of your life and your goals for the future are an important issue.
3. Let your other “friends” know that you are not available. Nobody thinks that you were just sitting at home waiting for them but having to fight for time and attention can reduce a person’s interest level.
4. Discover what the other person’s “outside the relationship” interests are. We all need to be interested in something away from the relationship such as a hobby or career goals. You must be comfortable enough with the others interest to encourage them to succeed.
5. Nothing brings out the truth better than a good drink. If you are not into adult beverages, use whatever substance causes your personality to default to its truthful self. Just ask all the questions that you really want to ask. Remember that alcohol lowers your inhibitions, so be careful if you’re serious about sticking to the 90 day rule.
6. One of the most important things in a relationship is a sense of humor.  Explore this quality in each other.  Making each other laugh is one thing that will get you through some bad days.
7. Who’s the Boss! Is this going to be a democratic relationship or is one person clearly dominant?  If you both want to be in charge in the same situations, that is when problems arise.
8. Meet the friends. It doesn’t matter who or how many but you need to make that happen. This will disclose any negative feelings one might have about the other.
9. Finally, find something to argue about. Okay they may think you’re crazy when you try this one, but the way a person approaches an argument and communicates their feelings is important.  Do they get personal and hit below the belt, or do they play it safe and let you win?

If you go through some of these exercises, you’ll know more about each other, you will have built a certain level of trust, and seen if you and your lifestyles are compatible.  Now comes the issue of chemistry.  The act of sharing so much about yourself with someone else has allowed a certain amount of intimacy to develop.

If the guy was “getting it” somewhere else and waits out the 90 days, he’ll probably stick around until his next girl’s 90 days is up. After that, he won’t call much except to find out if you’re still available for an occasional drive by hug, kiss, or some bedroom action.  This is just to keep you waiting for his next call, and places you in his Plan B group of girls.

If he’s in the “wanting something more” category and is still around after 90 days you should proceed in the manner that is comfortable for you when it comes to sex.  You may not want to reveal everything in your repertoire, but build slowly.  You should be thinking about compatibility.  Frequency, passion, and variety with sex are most important here. Being in harmony is important if you are looking for a real, and lasting relationship.

What if you’ve waited the 90 days and now you’re the one faced with a dilemma.  You know you like him, but… he ain’t packin; his technique needs a lot of work; there’s no physical chemistry.  You’ve put time and energy into building a relationship, so what do you do?

a)      Place him in your Plan B group of guys and keep looking.

b)      Focus on his other good qualities, because there’s more to your relationship than sex.

c)      Make him your main guy and find a dick on the side to fill the void.

d)      Just keep looking, because you’re too good to settle.

In the song “Statistics” by Lyfe Jennings, he gives us some rules to live by and basically tells us that finding a mate ain’t gonna be easy.

• 25% of all men are unstable,
• 25% of all men can’t be faithful,
• 30% of them don’t mean what they say and
• 10% of the remaining 20 is gay.

That leaves you a 10% chance of ever finding your mate.

That means you better pay attention to these words that I say.

I’m gonna teach you how to expose the 90%,

And show you what to do to keep the other 10.

Rule number 1,

Don’t be a booty call,

If he don’t respect you girl, he gon forget you girl.

Rule number 2,

If he’s in a relationship,

If he will cheat on her that means he will cheat on you.

Rule number 3,

Tell him that you’re celibate, and

If he wants some of your goodies he gon have to work for it.

Rule number 4,

Be the person you wanna find,

Don’t be a nickel out here looking for a dime.

The last line says it all.  You have to be the type of person and display the same characteristics as the man you are looking for.  There are many guidebooks out there, Steve Harvey’s Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man; He’s Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt Greg Behrendt (Author)  and Liz Tuccillo and of course there’s my book, Sisters Stop Asking Sisters, I’m A Black Man Just Me!  Take some time for you, read, explore and then go find him or her.

Ladies!  Do you use the 90 day rule?  If “no”, why not?  Why was he the exception, and was it worth it?

Terrie Lynn for NottHeads – Chokkklit Shop